Tuesday, May 15, 2018

26 Weeks and Work.

They say that each week of pregnancy brings something new. I hadn't felt that way entirely until the last couple of weeks. At week 22 I was able to feel the baby move. At week 24 almost 25 Braxton was able to feel him move. This week has brought on something new. On Monday night I woke up with two terrible leg cramps. I grabbed Brax so hard that I'm almost certain he has a bruise. I then bit the pillow and then finally was able to roll out of bed to be able to stand up. I asked Lex and Chan about it and they said that they had it too. Still not as painful as contractions is what they told me. Pretty sure I'm going to die during child birth.

The last few months have been really difficult for me with work. When I started in January, I was given one client and then two clients. One of the clients had family barriers that weren't allowing him to receive the full benefits of therapy so I was pulled off of the case. I was told that I would receive another client soon. February until May I was with one client and this client is wonderful. Finally, after graduation hope started to rise and I was told I wouldn't have just one client but three clients. I was stoked. Before going to the second client's house, I was warned that it may not work out because of the cleanliness and situation of the home. I gave it a try because I need the hours, money, and to stay busy. The second meeting with the client did not go well at all. I had a toy thrown at me and it hit me in the eye. My BCBA asked how it went so I told her everything. I was pulled off of the case that same day. I'm now in the process of waiting for two more clients. Luckily, they were able to give me two clients because I didn't think they would replace the one that had been dropped.

Here's the thing with work. It isn't about not having enough hours for the money aspect. It's that I'm a person who needs to stay busy. I don't like sleeping in often or sitting at home. Especially since we live at Granddad's and there is somebody here all day-- it's awkward for me to be home. I like to have a schedule and be busy. I've been praying and fasting constantly to receive new clients. I've applied for an extra job on the side. I've hounded my boss for more clients. Still nothing. It wasn't until this week that I realized maybe I'm not supposed to be working a ton right now. Maybe Heavenly Father is preparing me for the time that I will have off after the baby is born and I won't be "busy" all the time. I know that I'll be busy with the baby and it will be different, but according to the world's standard of busy, I won't meet that. I also have felt the impression that he is teaching me that work is NOT everything. This is a hard lesson for me because ever since I've graduated, I've worked at least 25 hours a week. Braxton asked me last night as I was sitting on the bed sobbing about all of this, "what is the most important thing in life?" He then pointed to my stomach and reminded me that family is. He then explained that my main focus should be on keeping our baby healthy and myself healthy and preparing for motherhood. I needed that reminder. Moral of all of this--- take the time to to realize why a trial is happening. When it is, ask yourself, what is the Lord trying to teach me through all of this? It's helped me gain more perspective and stay a little, just a little, more calm in the trial.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Comforting Moments.

This last week was emotional for me. Granddad woke up every 1.5 hours on Sunday and Monday night plus Braxton was sick so I was up with the two of them literally all night. I also ran out of my medication that helps me cope with life for two days (yes, I'm a believer in medication). So by Tuesday night I came home and with no sleep, no medication, and tons of stress, I broke. I sat down on the couch and cried about all the things that were happening that I didn't have control of. I got assigned two new clients (finally) and it was starting to look more hopeful at work. I really stress myself out about not working as much. And then I became overwhelmed at the finances of a baby, paying rent, food, and utilities all at once. I texted my sister and asked for advice and also a friend. Both of them reassured me that 1) babies usually sleep more than Granddad does and 2) the finances of babies aren't as bad as people make them out to be. I got on LDS.org to find some inspiration and found a video by Elder Uchdorft called "A Mother's Hope." It calmed me down and gave me the peace that Heavenly Father is aware of me and all that I need to do is have hope in his plan and that he will help me as a mother. My friend also reminded me to just pay my tithing. Braxton and I went through our tithing that night and made sure we had paid every single penny.

I'm so grateful for the small and simple messages of comfort that Heavenly Father gives me in my times of distress and anxiety.

First Mother's Day

When I first got pregnant I read a quote that struck me and has been on my mind  this week. I can't find the exact quote but it was something along the lines of "the moment we stop referring to a pregnant woman as becoming a mom and start calling her a mom, our society will view pregnancy different. A mom is a mom the moment that fetus enters her body." I wish I could find the exact quote! But it really struck me and I have found myself correcting Braxton when he says... "oh you'll be a great mom" by saying I already a mom. This Mother's Day I have found myself more emotional than normal. I love my own mom and appreciate all that she has done for me in my life and I do not want to take this special day away from her. However, this being my first Mother's Day, it's special. No, our sweet baby isn't here yet and I haven't kissed his sweet face (which by the way from the ultrasound is adorable!) but I am a mom. Elder Holland gave a talk in 2015 that talked about motherhood. He described motherhood with four words "beare, borne, carry, deliver." So far, I've done half of that work which has been a lot. I've seen several videos on Facebook talking about motherhood. One talked about giving up things. I know that I have already given up my enjoyment of the gym (I still go, but man is it rough), sleeping comfortably at night, being able to fit into my favorite pair of jeans, and even this week I had to give up 15 hours of work per week to protect my baby from potential harm. Another video talks about being "just a mom." This one really got me.. I have been struggling with the idea of not working while on maternity leave. I keep telling Braxton that I don't want to "just" sit at home and take care of the baby. This video was a realization that it is so much more than just sitting at home, it is teaching my child, raising him, being there for him, and providing for him. I know I'm just rambling, but my emotions are all over the place. I'm simply grateful that I get the blessing of being a mom and I'm excited to become more of mother along the journey.